Jel Writes

Welcome to Jel Writes. My name is Janelle Coulton and I am a Freelance Writer. You will find articles on this site and links other sites I manage. I love to interact with people, I am very passionate about certain issues and I love life. I write for private clients and other online writing sites. I am currently writing a book about sex crimes. If you need something written or edited, please visit my Hire Me page, connect with me via Twitter or Facebook, or send me an email.

Showing posts with label Self-Help. Show all posts

Thursday, 11 July 2013

What Do you Trust - Fear or Love?

I write this essay in the hope that people will not close out love because of their fear. Unfortunately so many of us do and I find

this very sad.

Most of us are more afraid than we think, the following essay discusses how we can cheat ourselves out of so many wonderful things because of fear. Worth thinking about.

I write this essay in the hope that people will not close out love because of their fear. Unfortunately so many of us do and I find
this very sad.

Most of us are more afraid than we think, the following essay discusses how we can cheat ourselves out of so many wonderful things because of fear. Worth thinking about.

Whitney Houston portrayed her meaning of real love when she sang the words “I’ve found the greatest love of all inside of me.” When that song was released almost twenty years ago, I barely understood what these words meant. Today however, I truly understand the concept of these words. Whitney Houston was telling us through her music, that there is no higher love than loving yourself unconditionally. When a person trusts love, they are able to love themselves. When it is fear they trust, the opposite is true. Until we can love ourselves with no strings attached, flaws and all, then we will never be able to love another human being unconditionally, and without fear.

Part of loving ourselves is letting go of the fear that we are not good enough or unlovable. On an unconscious level, many of us believe we are not worthy of love. We don’t know what it means to love and appreciate ourselves. We will constantly put ourselves down, not realising how damaging this is to our self-esteem. We often treat ourselves with disrespect, make decisions and react to emotions that are completely fear based.

We don’t often think to commit our spare time to learning about our feelings and emotions. Who has the time? However this kind of attention to ourselves is time worth spending. Learning to take care of ourselves in this way will allow us to grow and change as individuals and become more confident, loving and more importantly, more emotionally intelligent and fearless. Spending time on ourselves can be extremely revealing and can be like opening up the proverbial can of worms. Feelings and emotions that have been bottled up for years can come pouring out, in a torrent of tears or anger. This process can also be challenging, exciting, sad, scary and very revealing.

Doing this kind of work allows us to learn how to deal with our emotions and feelings in a more constructive way. Because we are not taught how to deal with our feelings, we will act out what we have learnt and seen as children and what we have experienced in previous relationships. Emotional intelligence classes were not offered at school (perhaps they should be, given the rising divorce rate). It is possible that when many of us were growing up, we were taught that anger, fear, anxiety and sadness are bad feelings and bad feelings should not be expressed. We feel what we feel, and we deal with our feelings in a way that is comfortable to us; however this is not always the healthiest or best option for us to take.

Stepping outside our comfort zone feels scary and at the same time it can feel uplifting. Taking a risk to stretch a little and move beyond our comfort zone is definitely an exercise in self-love. With every situation in life, every action we take, every thought we have, we will either react from a place of fear or a place of love. So, I will ask the question again: What do you trust, fear or love?

Reacting from a place of love takes immense courage as we are programmed to listen to our fears, and act with caution and safety. It is possible to feel love and fear at the same time, for instance; when we meet someone that we are really attracted to, we may fear that they do not feel the same way. This can then lead us to behaving self destructively by not being ourselves and tying to impress this person all because we want this person to like us. The tricky part is moving past the fear, being authentic, loving ourselves, no matter what the object of our affection thinks of us.

Letting go of the fear and practising self love enables us to love others. We cannot do any of our relationships justice if we are stuck in fear. When we become stuck in fear we remain powerless to move forward in our relationships and carry a loving attitude. Our fears arise from something within ourselves. Many of us believe fear comes from outside forces operating against us; this is not so. Fear is something unresolved that lives inside of us. Circumstances in our day to day lives could trigger our fear, but it is our hearts and minds that build it up and keep it going. Letting go of fear is hard, as our feelings and emotions seem so real. What we are really doing is attempting to cover whatever it is that we don’t want our loved ones to know about us. Interestingly enough our perceptions of ourselves are usually way off. We may, for example; feel unworthy of someone’s love, however that someone quite often knows better. This is an example of fear running our lives. We are all worthy of love, every single one of us.

Most people have a primary fear; for example, a fear of rejection or abandonment. Something will usually trigger that fear and if we can identify the trigger that activates our fears, then we can work towards de-activating it. Otherwise we can get caught in a vicious circle that will lead to self destructive patterns of behaviour. Fear will block our feelings of love and we will feel stuck and be unable to adopt a loving attitude.

To use the example of fear of rejection or abandonment; suppose we feel ignored by someone and this feeling triggers our fears of rejection or abandonment. It is not just a feeling of rejection that comes up, our emotions may snowball and other fears might be activated. In our minds we will build evidence against the person we feel has rejected us and then we build evidence against ourselves. We might feel unlovable, worthless, helpless, angry or inadequate. That’s a lot of negative emotions just snowballing all around us, a very, heavy dose of fear indeed.

So how do we eradicate fear once we become stuck? To put it simply by being ourselves, by loving ourselves for what and who we are. Sounds very easy, but it isn’t when we are stuck in a cycle of fear and negative emotions. Identifying our main trigger that activates our fears will enable us to recognise fear and attempt to switch gears. We will not succeed every time however, but if we are aware of our thoughts and feelings, most of the time we will be able to feel these feelings and then move past the fear.

Another method for deactivating our fear is asking ourselves what sort of qualities we admire in others. We can paint a mental picture of our heroes, people whom we admire and list their qualities, qualities that we ourselves would love to possess. Guess what happens? We become aware of some of those qualities within ourselves. What we see in others is also within us. We could look at the qualities that our parents have. If our mother is an honest and loving person, then we are honest and loving also. If our father is a kind and considerate person, then we also share these gifts. We may not see it, but others can, our loved ones know what qualities we possess, which is why they want to be around us. We are able to claim these wonderful gifts as part of our inner self.

Being honest with ourselves and with others is another step towards eradicating fear and creating self love. Being authentic and true to ourselves, showing love and compassion to others are all ways in which we can get free of fear. Be proactive and make time in our day to carry out things that allow us to express and get in touch with our positive attributes. Make a list of actions that feel good to us and take steps to do a few of these things each day. This could mean writing in a journal, or expressing our compassionate selves by helping a friend in need. We could send our partner a love note, and thus allow us to express our loving side.

As we take these actions we will dispel our fears and eventually feel a sense of peace, joy, self confidence and self acceptance. It isn’t easy to get out our own way and be proactive. We all experience bad days, filled with those negative, fearful thoughts, however it is how we react to those thoughts and feelings that matters. Start out slowly and build it up, by monitoring our feelings and thoughts and doing simple things that make us feel good. Some people may feel this is selfish. These are not selfish actions, keep going. The more we can love ourselves, the better we can love our partners, families, friends, children and the like. The more we focus and practice dealing with fear the better at it we will become. Believe it or not, fear handled in a wise and proactive manner will eventually become our friend. Fear will tell us that there is work to be done. Managing our fear will lead us back to a place of love, and love is really where we all want to be.

Link to this article on Bubblews

Read more articles or E-books on this subject at: Triple O Relationships Network

To read more of Janelle Coulton's articles go to Community Pages, Suite 101

Copyright © 2012 Janelle Coulton

Monday, 22 October 2012

Friendship After A Break-Up

What is it about couples who try to remain friends after a painful breakup? You would think that after the pain of breaking up a relationship would motivate you to stay as far away as possible from your ex lover.

Granted, some relationships end amicably and the couple do maintain a civil method of communication more for their families and children's sake than anything else. Some relationships die a natural death, and both parties cannot wait to get away from each other; as was the case with one of my relationships many years ago.

If there's one thing I've noticed since I've become involved with my work helping people with their marriage and relationship troubles; the couples who suffer through a terrible and painful break up want to hang onto the friendship. Is this you? Do you wish you could at least keep your friendship alive with your lost lover, I know I did a few years back. In-fact I would have moved heaven and earth to keep this man and make him happy. I bought many relationship E-books and set a plan into action to regain his friendship and hopefully his love. Did it work? Yes, to a point. But in the end I decided that I was better off without him. But, this is another story and I could probably write a book about it.

Salvaging a friendship from the broken remains, that was once a loving relationship depends a lot on whether you did the dumping or if you were the one dumped. There are no hard and fast rules here, however if you are the one that did the dumping, then you are more likely to benefit greatly from a continued friendship. This could be at the expense of your dumped ex lover. Sometimes the dumper will request a friendship simply because they cannot stand the guilt of seeing their former lover in so much pain, pain that they believe they have caused.

Guilt can be a big motivator in deciding whether or not the dumper will reach out and soften the blow of a break up by offering the hand of friendship. The dumper may have doubts about their decision to end the relationship, so friendship is a way of hanging on to see if this is the case. For the person left behind, this scenario can actually work in their favour if they are hoping for reconciliation. Simple loneliness is a strong motivator for both parties to request friendship, it is difficult to become accustomed to living without your partner, when you have been together in a loving relationship for a period of time. The dumper may also assume that friendship may include fringe benefits like being able to borrow money, have sex with their ex partner, or borrow the car perhaps. It is imperative that the dumpee be aware that they may be taken advantage of and used, therefore it is probably best to keep a safe distance if your ex is asking for small favours all the time.

If the dumpee is hoping the re-kindle the love and get their ex back, then keeping a safe distance is a good strategy because people want what they cannot have, and human nature may see the dumper come running back to the relationship. For the dumpee, never have sex with an ex. There are so many reasons why this is a no no. Your self esteem will be shattered when they announce that you two are not getting back together. From the dumpee's point of view it is not beneficial for them to pursue a friendship, unless you have children with your lost lover. Keeping a civil and friendly attitude is so vitally important to kids. They need their parents to be friends and it sets a great example for your children later on in life.

Many people request friendship simply because they have not totally let go of their lover and the relationship and this goes both ways for the dumper and the dumpee. It could be that both of you are scared of the unknown and facing the big, bad world out there alone. It is usually the person who was dumped that feels this fear more, as the one ending the relationship wants what they want, and they are probably willing to face their fear. There is also the case of the ex lover who will request friendship simply to not have to be the bad guy, it is actually an act of self gratification. This example is not about guilt at all. The dumper will request the friendship because it makes them feel better about their decision and even worse some without even realizing it will keep the dumpee hanging on and pining after them because it feels good to them that their ex still yearns for their love. These actions are usually not conscious, however sometimes I believe they are; I am only too aware of one man who did this to me a few years ago. It felt so good to him that I was making him nice dinners, providing sexual favours and begging him to return. How stupid was I? And how great did he feel? Fantastic, I bet! I have no doubt in my mind that some dumpers realize only too well the pain they have caused, and the power they have over that person. This type of scenario makes me sick to my stomach.

Amongst the huge myriad of reasons why people choose to stay friends with their ex, and the reasons not to, you would think many of us would choose to just move on. Unless you have children then that's what I believe couples should try and do. Trying to be friends immediately after a painful break up is just too hard. Why make life harder than it has to be at a time like this. You really should be focusing on moving forward with your life, and looking to the future. Attempting a friendship is probably doing you and your ex lover more harm than good. You probably do not realize how painful it is to be friends in this situation, especially for the one who has been dumped, and especially if that person is living in hope of reconciliation. It is definitely not a wise idea to do anything to give your former partner any false hope; that would be cruel.

Many people think it is okay to keep seeing each other, and keep having sex, it's not, and someone always gets hurt. Sexual intercourse together is over once the relationship is finished. Sex should only be given freely in a committed relationship. Some of you may argue that casual sex is okay. That's your opinion and you're entitled to it, but I do not believe in casual sex. If you are the dumper in this scenario, then I urge you to watch yourself and your ex love closely. Be kind to your former lover, but do not send signals of false hope to them. Be straight-forward and upfront about your feelings at all times. Be clear about where your friendship stands. He or she could well be hoping that you will realize the love you share and want them back.

In my opinion and this is only my opinion as all my articles are; friendship right after a break up, especially a painful one cannot work. Someone always gets hurt, usually the person who was dumped, and they usually end up more hurt than when you broke up with them. As for the dumper this experience can be just a hurtful for them, as they may genuinely want this friendship to succeed and may be hurt and disappointed that it is not going to work. There is also absolutely no reason why friendship between the two of you cannot happen down a road, once the wounds have healed.

Read: Is Your Marriage or Relationship in Trouble?

Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Why You Should Ditch the Rules - By Amy Waterman

Playing by those rules today isn’t just old-fashioned; it’s just plain limiting. Today, we as women have more freedom than at any other time in human history. We can work in whatever job we want, live wherever we want, and date whomever we want! Why, then, would we willingly step back under the yoke of courtship Do’s and Don’ts designed in a culture that’s long past and good riddance?

Because, in the often-confusing modern dating world, rules make us feel safe. Do’s and Don’ts can keep us from making mistakes. Dating “rules” (like ending a phone call first, or not accepting a weekend date after Wednesday) can prevent us from getting rejected. Or can they?

If you keep yourself from doing certain things around men and make yourself do others based on FEAR that you’ll make a mistake or FEAR that he’ll reject you, then you’re setting the foundation for a relationship based on insecurity.

It’s the same error our grandmothers and great-grandmothers made so many years ago: they looked to the MEN to define whether they were in a relationship, what form it would take, and how long it would last.

As a result, the only way women were able to influence the outcome was through indirect means – such being mysterious, playing “hard to get,” and not letting on how they felt – to get what they wanted.

Today, it’s wonderful that men and women both can be so open, honest, and direct about topics that were taboo just a few generations before. But with this freedom comes power … and a great deal of confusion.

Even though the old rules were restricting, at least they gave us the confidence of familiarity. We knew what to do. We knew what the man’s role was, and we knew what the woman’s role was.

But if men and women each have an equal say in dating and relationships, then who is supposed to make the next move … and what even IS the next move?

The old dating Do’s and Don’ts simply are not flexible enough to account for the way society has changed and the diversity of cultures that exists.

That’s why I believe it is so important that we develop a new paradigm for dating and relationships that reflects who we are as modern women in a modern dating world.

That's why Amy Waterman, author of How to Be Irresistible to Men, and Marie Forleo, author of Make Every Man Want You, got together to produce a dating course unlike any other. They set out to show how women can find out what to do in ANY dating situation, in a way that’s appropriate, effortless, and completely IRRESISTIBLE … all without resorting to outdated Do’s and Don’t that may not even apply to them!

Their collaboration resulted in the riveting audio program, Make Every Man Want You MORE! Over the six-lesson course, Amy and Marie lay out the essential tools every modern woman needs in a modern dating world, what it takes to move a relationship along from casual to committed, how to navigate tricky dating areas like communication, sex, “baggage” from your past, and more.

Single women today can feel enormously pressured to live up to a high standard in ALL areas of their life, from their careers to their appearance to their love life. If you don’t want to settle for anything less than excellence in life AND love, then Make Every Man Want You More will teach you how to effortlessly and flawlessly achieve your goals.

Find out more by going to:

000 RELATIONSHIPS

Article written by Amy Waterman

Online Dating; Telling Lies On Your Profile

We have all heard of this before. You meet someone in person for the first time and it’s obvious they have lied in their dating site profile. They have blatantly lied! Not subtle exaggeration. I am referring to people who are obvious liars. People lie about their age, their weight or the amount of grey in their hair.

The puzzling thing is why people who are dating online do this? It is obvious once they meet their prospective date in person that they will be found out. Their prospective date will know the instant they lay eyes each other. People are not as stupid as one might think. Yet this is how they will feel once they are aware that their date has lied. Not to mention angry, betrayed and uncomfortable during the entire date. Not a great start to what could be a budding friendship or relationship.

When people start dating online they are on their guard to start out with. They are cautious about where they meet people and whom they choose to meet. The last thing a prospective date wants is to meet a person who has lied to them. They will not be asking for a second date. Many people would turn around and go home. It’s really not worth it. Lying will not help to be a success in the dating game. This lapse in judgement will destroy the trust and honesty before this couple start the process of getting to know each other.

So the bottom line here is; don’t do it. Tell the truth, be a genuine person and meet people who like you for who you are. If you are not comfortable with who you are; you need to work on that. Happiness and contentment comes from inside of you. Do not expect another person to give you these things. You need to work on this yourself.

Do not lie on your online profile; be honest about age, appearance, weight and all other information you put out there. In saying this; there is a lot to be said about having some mystery about you. Don’t be too quick to reveal all about yourself or you may scare off your prospective date. But that’s for another time.

Have you ever lied to a prospective date before you’ve met face to face? Tell me about it in the comments or connect via Facebook or Twitter.

For more information on attracting your dream partner and changing your life for the better, visit 12 Simple Rules today!

Find True Love - Get The Partner Of Your Dreams

If I could show you a sure fire way to catch the men of your dreams and keep him, would you take it? Would you take the challenge? Heck! I know I would, and I did. I followed certain strategies in books I found on the net quite by accident and here I am, engaged to be married.

What happened in a nutshell is this. I followed certain rules, rules that I learnt from these books. I am not talking about the old fashioned rules either. Recently author, Amy Waterman wrote an article telling all women to ditch the rules and Amy is one hundred percent right. The rules that Amy was talking about are "The Rules" series of books, written by two women some years ago, these women are happily married and aren't struggling with the dating scene, so I don't see a lot of credence in what they write.

Basically girls, it is like this. I focused on myself and less on the men I was dating. My life was about me, myself and I. My career, my daughter, my writing and my interests and passions. This is what all women should be doing and even when you get the guy. Keep doing it and he will be attracted and crazy about you forever. This is my secret to my successful relationship, but that’s not the only secret I have to share.

Much more information, do's and don'ts, and mistakes we make with men are here in this E-Book, which there is also a link to below.One mistake I made constantly was call my boyfriends all the time, believe me when I tell you, they hate it. Let them chase you. Let the man have the absolute pleasure of playing the cat and mouse game that we hate so much and they love. It turns them on and you will turn them on if you allow this game to play itself out. Don't rob your man of this pleasure, it will work in your favour.

Another mistake I made was to go over to their houses late at night for what I call the booty call, or letting them come to me late at night. Never, ever let this happen, tell them you are busy. You are not someone’s second or third choice. You should be first and foremost in their mind.

So after reading this short essay, will you take the challenge? If you are interested in learning more please visit the following link and find out how you can be irresistible to men.

Get the Relationship You Want this Year! Visit 12 Simple Rules Today!

Saturday, 30 June 2012

When People Get Stuck In a Rut Part II

How The Welfare System Can Hold Us Back

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog with the same above title; this is part two

I was minding my own business blogging away into the dead of night trying to earn a living when I heard a rather interesting call on talk-back radio that kind of broke my heart, made me a little mad and extremely sympathetic.

The serious heartache and struggle that is the life of a person surviving on a pension or someone who is relying on an unemployment benefit or is unfit to work really does take a toll on a person's self esteem. No-one can ever measure another's pain, however each person's life is different and their circumstances different again.

This woman who called the broadcaster had been waiting in a tiny house with five kids and her partner for a government house for over eight years. She was literally at the end of her rope. She had two grown boys who were not working, had no money and they were making no contribution to the household expenses. She struggled with a serious back injury, which I could so relate to and was not getting a lot of help. Well after a pep talk from the radio broadcaster she called the radio station a few nights ago and reported to him and the listeners that she had made many changes in her life. She had quit smoking, her partner quit smoking, she got her boys out to work and encouraged them to quit smoking. She was out and about doing more and trying to help others.

All I can say is: what a terrific ending to what could have been an extremely sad story. But this woman sounded on top of the world. She took on board the advice listeners had to give her and employed those ideas and I could not be happier for her. And what I heard when she called the program the other night has inspired me to do more for others and myself.

It can really suck when you have a medical condition that forces you out of work and on a benefit or pension and all the while doctors are telling you, that you cannot work. However, that doesn't mean you give up, I have been plugging away trying to make a living as a writer ever since both my doctors told me that and will be writing till the day I die, even if I am able to work full time again. I have always been a big believer in giving as much back to others as possible because it makes you feel so good to give. I find it better than receiving.

So congratulations to this woman and I send my blessings to her three little kids and her young sons and husband and I really hope they keep on keeping on and eventually get to where they want to be in life.

In writing this; I now have a smile on my face, it's great to share the positive for a change rather than writing about the negative issues that surround us and threaten to swallow us whole everyday.

Keep smiling everyone and have a great day.

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Sunday, 22 May 2011

When The Truth is Better Left Unsaid

Many of you would have heard of Dr Laura Schlessinger, the author and radio host who has penned many books about family and children and runs a talk back radio programme giving advice to many about family, marriage, sex, relationships, children and many other social issues. Just recently one of her Blog entries caught my eye.

Why is it that human beings are so obsessed with being honest and feel that people need to know the truth at all costs? Possibly years and years of scolding for lying. Or the endless lecture about trust and honesty. I remember how angry my Mum was if we lied about something. However years later when I was pregnant with my daughter and my dear mother was dying of cancer, I chose to keep the truth of my condition from her. Let's face it, she would have been upset, Mum knew she was almost out of time, she was upset already that her life had been cut so short and she would not see her kids get married or meet her grandchildren. So I chose to keep that information to myself and to this day I know I did the right thing. Those who knew kept my secret too, and no-one has ever criticised my decision to keep my pregnancy a secret.

Laura used the example of a father who steps into a family and takes on the duties of fatherhood even though the child is not of his sperm. The real father is long gone and unaware he has a child at all. Do we tell this child or do we keep it a secret. How likely is it that he or she will discover the truth. Not likely; unless someone tells the child. Sometimes more drama is created than is necessary and some humans buy into the rubbish that something will happen to bring the truth out into the open, just like it does on many TV soap operas. Looking at the situation from the point of the child, the child is the only one who will get hurt in this scenario and possibly for no good reason except their supposed right to honesty at all times. Is he or she going to thank you for putting their life in confusion and turmoil with this information? He or she will be extremely upset that their real Dad could not be bothered to stick around.

As for medical history, we have so much advanced technology in medicine these days that we can find out almost anything without a medical history. There really is no reason that this child cannot grow up never knowing about their sperm donor father. It's the man who stays and takes on the role of Dad who deserves the role of father, not the man who donated his sperm. Obviously there are instances where the truth must be told, and if these instances arise, the child should be told the truth.

What about a cheating spouse? Should the injured party be told? Not necessarily, especially if the person cheating is willing to fix what is wrong in the relationship and move forward. It is not necessary to hurt someone in this way, just for sake of honesty. When it comes to marriage and families, we need to be preserving the family at all costs and making decisions based on what is best for the family unit. Children do not need to be torn from their families for what might have been one mistake or error in judgement. People really do have to remember when to shut up.

Obviously if a spouse is a chronic adulterer, then it is probably best to end the marriage, however if a couple can rebuild their marriage even after adultery has occurred, then they should try and not just walk away. Again this would depend on the circumstances; for example: if the couple are contemplating marriage and there is information that one partner is cheating, then it may well be best to be honest, providing all the facts are there to back up this accusation. If it is only based on gossip and not facts, then it would be best to keep it to yourself.

It can feel impossible not to be truthful with someone about something which is going to hurt them, however sometimes there are times when the truth only serves to hurt others and is in no-ones best interests at all, except possibly to relieve someones guilt. Feeling guilty is not a good enough reason to hurt another person. The guilty party needs to feel the remorse that goes with feeling guilty and move past it. This is normal. Guilt is what some call the wasted emotion, absolutely of no benefit to anyone, except to tell us humans that we have done wrong, and once we are aware of our wrongdoing, then we need to move onwards and upwards and let go of the guilt.